Desire Reciprocated

The feeling of being wanted is the sweetest feeling that I know.
The moment you realise that your feeling of desire is reciprocated.
It is the bell of emotion that wells up and rings out.
It is the unwipeable smile.

Atheism

There's nothing quite so bleak and unromantic a notion as atheism. Especially the concept of just switching off at the end. 

Despite its being perfectly true, it is nevertheless a bland and uninviting idea. 

Like a no longer wanted and out of date computer being unplugged for the final time. 

I just watched a lovely film 'Ten Canoes', which talks about the aboriginal concepts of reincarnation and the soul, and their gods and creation stories. The ideas are warm, inclusive, promote tribal togetherness and bonding. Death isn't final for them, and the preparation for someone to return to there ancestors is rich with traditions - song, dance, paint and ritual. 

Being cremated after being discovered alone, long days dead in your city apartment is a long way from that. Is that the atheist's end? 

The community and bonding that humans appear to have fostered since our monkey days are so vital to our species. 

Sure, there is no God. 

But does that mean we should have no community? No close friends around us when we die? Maybe a song to remember us, a dance at a wake? 

I hope that in the absence of a creator we can still find ways to bind together strongly. Strongly enough to retain a tribal togetherness. Just one not based on myths. 

Here's hoping mine, and yours, end is more akin to the aboriginal and not the sad lonely city dweller. 

Onwards and Upwards

I know what I'm supposed to do.

I've seen the psychologists, I've been to group therapy, I've poured my heart out, I've learnt the techniques.

I know that my emotional well being depends upon:

• exercise
• eating right
• sleeping 8 hours a night
• taking my medications regularly
• social outings
• seeing friends
• being with my family
• meditating
• satisfying work
• tackling negative patterns of thought
• not over-committing myself

I have the means, the time, the insight and the capability to do all these things, to make myself emotionally well.

So what's keeping me from being the happiest and most well adjusted person around? Why do I eat too much? Watch too much TV? Stay on the couch too often? Not exercise?

Why aren't my days packed with these activities that should bring me such joy and contentment?

Well, some of the time they are.

The truth is though that I'm surviving. Nothing is really wrong.

If I'm honest it's too much effort to contemplate implementing all I could do all at once.

I'm just tackling a few simple things at the moment.

My work and family life are stable and happy. Not everyone can say that.

I started dating again recently, and that has been a mix of lots of happy moments along with lots of new stressors as well.

Lots more to work on, but you know, I'm doing OK.

Perhaps it's a question of motivation... You know if I'm doing OK, what is the motivation to improve?

I think overall, the direction is right. I'm keeping that list happy, or at least continuing to improve little things where I can.

Onwards and upwards. 

Bipolar Dating

Your heart beats as you hear the text coming in. You don't want to look at it for fear of what it might say. You leave it a minute before picking up the phone,keeping the screen turned away and slowly slowly peek at what it says...

Dating is a stressor. A big one!

The fear, the bravery, the self doubt, the rejection, the anticipation, the exhilaration, the success. Powerful emotions all. 

Having recently started dating after a tough breakup with my wife three years ago,it's coming back to me what a wild emotional ride it is. Being single and seeking the affections of others, 'dating', is terrible for your emotional well being. 

I've noticed since I started some behaviours creeping in that I have a watch on. Staying indoors all day on a nice sunny Saturday for example. 

Largely since I split up with my ex I've cultivated a very stable lifestyle. Work, home, 8 hours sleep, kids on the weekends. Nothing has really stretched me too hard emotionally, until now. 

I say this to myself as much as to anyone reading this with bipolar. 

If you're heading out into the world of dating, make sure all your other supports are rock solid to help you through the emotional minefield ahead:

- sleep 8 hours a night

- see friends (especially supportive ones) every week

- don't miss even one dose of your meds

- stay active and exercise at least a couple of times a week

I believe bipolar doesn't have to be in any way restrictive on your life and your ability to be happy and successful in any way. We just need to take care of our mental well being (which everyone should do!) a little more fastidiously than others. 

Birds Suddenly Appear

As I was shaving this morning a few bars of an old song were drifting through my idle mind:
"Why do birds, suddenly appear,
Every time, you are near?"

Never occurred to me before, but this is a mood related question. Perception of beauty around us is heightened by our own elevated moods.

It's one of the most fundamental aspects of our consciousness that we don't really experience the world. We experience ourselves reflected by the world.

If we're feeling happy, we experience happy parts of life, like singing birds.

If we're feeling down, the world is a bleaker place, without such inspiration.

The Worthlessness of Self Worth

Writing, being out at a bar with cool people, being seen to be popular, being good at my job, having a cool car, travelling, having the latest iPhone and a slick laptop, living by the beach, going out with a beautiful girl, knowing things, being fit, being well dressed... All these are things I've idolised, and aspired to, and based my self-worth on.

But they're not the same things I would have based my self worth on when I was 9 years old, or 14 years old.

They're also not the same things other people value. There are spiritual aspirations, career aspirations, political aspirations, social aspirations, scientific aspirations, sporting aspirations. So many things for people to pin their success or failure to.

Objectively it should be enough just to be a person, equal in all ways to all other people regardless of education, financial standing, religion, sex, race, beliefs or any other qualitative difference... But I don't really feel that.

If I'm honest what I really feel is a little less than worthy. A little less than I could be. I feel brittle. I don't stand with a depth of confidence that would take very many blows. I feel weak.

More than that, to get to this point has taken a couple of good years of recovery, support and hard work. Getting to where I should like to be in my well being will take more time again.

So if I've based my whole sense of self-worth, my confidence, on such ephemeral and flighty things. These things that many other people wouldn't value, or would value less than I do. Why?

A recession or depression could hit tomorrow which would wipe out many of the things that I have on my list. Would it wipe me out too?

The whole concept seems flawed.

The Buddhists say:

The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things

          http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/fourtruths.html#truth2

Personally I don't think I'm ready to head down the path of detachment, but it does raise a good point. Holding up transient things, and basing your self worth on them is a risky way to live.

So how to have self worth that builds and cannot be easily destroyed?

I know that it is possible to change a belief. But it takes time, and a lot of very compelling evidence. I think that belief is very bound up in self worth, because it's what you believe to be worthy that you measure yourself against.

Changing what you believe to be worthy would be difficult, and moreover it's more likely to happen unconsciously than as part of a deliberate effort. So the beliefs you have will possibly be useful to you, possibly harmful. The randomness of it all, and the suffering that ensues seem to be embedded in our culture and life experience.

Perception is also an interesting aspect of it all. How you perceive yourself, how you perceive others guides and influences your belief about your own worth.

Sometimes late at night I'll go stargazing, try to take a zoom out from my own problems, and see myself as a tiny part of the tiny part that we inhabit of this vast universe. It helps, a little, to see the futility and insignificance in the grander scheme of things of that illusive feeling we all strive for - self worth.

Sweet Satisfaction

I find myself smiling, browsing the shelves filled with familiar names, colours, shapes, fonts and packages. Minstrels, Terry’s chocolate orange, Hula Hoops, Ripple, Skips.

My childhood was filled with desire, longing, frustration and satisfaction all centred around these sweets. The sweets of Britain. Not so different from others around the world you might think. But for some reason nothing I’ve tried in other places quite gives me that feeling of home so much as the real originals.

I’m not sure whether it was particular to a boy destined for a bipolar life. Perhaps an early form of mania made me especially frenetic in my need for sweets. Maybe early depressive thoughts were drowned out in sugar.

Sugar has always played an important part in my life. I sometimes think it’s an addiction for me. I certainly crave it. I find it hard to abstain.

Chocolate in particular seems tied to my emotions, a self-administered medicine. I revel in its luxurious silkiness. I feel the stimulation of the theobromine. I ignore my body’s repulsion of the poison that it is. It’s a sinful pleasure.

Food and mood seem intertwined in my life. It’s one of the things that I will need to untangle along the path toward wellness. An obvious health problem that rises and falls with the stability of my moods, but should be unconnected.

A well balanced diet is an essential part of a recovery from a mood disorder. I can’t claim to have that under control yet, still being controlled by my desire for sweet satisfaction.