Birds Suddenly Appear

As I was shaving this morning a few bars of an old song were drifting through my idle mind:
"Why do birds, suddenly appear,
Every time, you are near?"

Never occurred to me before, but this is a mood related question. Perception of beauty around us is heightened by our own elevated moods.

It's one of the most fundamental aspects of our consciousness that we don't really experience the world. We experience ourselves reflected by the world.

If we're feeling happy, we experience happy parts of life, like singing birds.

If we're feeling down, the world is a bleaker place, without such inspiration.

The Worthlessness of Self Worth

Writing, being out at a bar with cool people, being seen to be popular, being good at my job, having a cool car, travelling, having the latest iPhone and a slick laptop, living by the beach, going out with a beautiful girl, knowing things, being fit, being well dressed... All these are things I've idolised, and aspired to, and based my self-worth on.

But they're not the same things I would have based my self worth on when I was 9 years old, or 14 years old.

They're also not the same things other people value. There are spiritual aspirations, career aspirations, political aspirations, social aspirations, scientific aspirations, sporting aspirations. So many things for people to pin their success or failure to.

Objectively it should be enough just to be a person, equal in all ways to all other people regardless of education, financial standing, religion, sex, race, beliefs or any other qualitative difference... But I don't really feel that.

If I'm honest what I really feel is a little less than worthy. A little less than I could be. I feel brittle. I don't stand with a depth of confidence that would take very many blows. I feel weak.

More than that, to get to this point has taken a couple of good years of recovery, support and hard work. Getting to where I should like to be in my well being will take more time again.

So if I've based my whole sense of self-worth, my confidence, on such ephemeral and flighty things. These things that many other people wouldn't value, or would value less than I do. Why?

A recession or depression could hit tomorrow which would wipe out many of the things that I have on my list. Would it wipe me out too?

The whole concept seems flawed.

The Buddhists say:

The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things

          http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/fourtruths.html#truth2

Personally I don't think I'm ready to head down the path of detachment, but it does raise a good point. Holding up transient things, and basing your self worth on them is a risky way to live.

So how to have self worth that builds and cannot be easily destroyed?

I know that it is possible to change a belief. But it takes time, and a lot of very compelling evidence. I think that belief is very bound up in self worth, because it's what you believe to be worthy that you measure yourself against.

Changing what you believe to be worthy would be difficult, and moreover it's more likely to happen unconsciously than as part of a deliberate effort. So the beliefs you have will possibly be useful to you, possibly harmful. The randomness of it all, and the suffering that ensues seem to be embedded in our culture and life experience.

Perception is also an interesting aspect of it all. How you perceive yourself, how you perceive others guides and influences your belief about your own worth.

Sometimes late at night I'll go stargazing, try to take a zoom out from my own problems, and see myself as a tiny part of the tiny part that we inhabit of this vast universe. It helps, a little, to see the futility and insignificance in the grander scheme of things of that illusive feeling we all strive for - self worth.

Sweet Satisfaction

I find myself smiling, browsing the shelves filled with familiar names, colours, shapes, fonts and packages. Minstrels, Terry’s chocolate orange, Hula Hoops, Ripple, Skips.

My childhood was filled with desire, longing, frustration and satisfaction all centred around these sweets. The sweets of Britain. Not so different from others around the world you might think. But for some reason nothing I’ve tried in other places quite gives me that feeling of home so much as the real originals.

I’m not sure whether it was particular to a boy destined for a bipolar life. Perhaps an early form of mania made me especially frenetic in my need for sweets. Maybe early depressive thoughts were drowned out in sugar.

Sugar has always played an important part in my life. I sometimes think it’s an addiction for me. I certainly crave it. I find it hard to abstain.

Chocolate in particular seems tied to my emotions, a self-administered medicine. I revel in its luxurious silkiness. I feel the stimulation of the theobromine. I ignore my body’s repulsion of the poison that it is. It’s a sinful pleasure.

Food and mood seem intertwined in my life. It’s one of the things that I will need to untangle along the path toward wellness. An obvious health problem that rises and falls with the stability of my moods, but should be unconnected.

A well balanced diet is an essential part of a recovery from a mood disorder. I can’t claim to have that under control yet, still being controlled by my desire for sweet satisfaction.

Missing your Medications

Check out this beautifully written article about stopping your medications for depression or bipolar disorder by Marcia Purse:
http://bipolar.about.com/od/complianceissues/a/5badreasons.htm

From personal experience missing your medication even for a short time can have significant consequences, and may trigger a relapse.

It's worth checking out Marcia's blog too, which has some great articles:
http://echosweb.com/category/bipolar/

The NCAN Gene

There's a very encouraging new discovery on the genetics of mania.

A strong link was found between the gene NCAN and manic episodes in a large set of patients.

Then they reproduced manic symptoms in mice by disabling the gene. The manic symptoms in the mice were then responsive to treatment with Lithium.

Very cool.

Here's an article describing what was done:
http://medicalxpress.com/news/2012-09-decipher-manic-gene.html

Lynn Rivers

So many stories you read about bipolar only serve to increase the stigma associated with it.

The manic star's over the top antics blamed on the disorder.

A criminal's defense resting on being  bipolar.

Here's a great story about an inspiring politician who was candid about being bipolar and managing it well:
http://bipolar.about.com/od/others/a/lynn-rivers-congresswoman-bipolar.htm

Her successful career is a testament to the more positive attitudes toward mental illness that must exist in her constituents.

A story worth sharing.

Catastrophizing

Lynn Martin gives this definition of catastrophizing:

You believe the worst-case scenario will happen.
e.g. Someone turns you down for a date. You are convinced you will lead a life of loneliness.

I can remember catastrophizing from when I was a small boy. I imagined my parents dying mostly, and would bring myself to tears on a regular basis. I don't know why I did it back then. I think maybe I wanted my life to be more dramatic than it was, and did these mental exercises to spice things up a bit.

But as an adult I've come to recognize catastrophizing as a symptom that I'm not doing well. Mostly these patterns of thought come easily to mind when I'm depressed.

I'm going to lose my job. My wife will leave me. Financial ruin is imminent. These are three classics that I've visited often.

Thankfully my wife has now left me, so one of those three won't be a problem any more.

When you're in the grip of catastrophic thoughts, you feel totally overwhelmed. Paralyzed by the fear of the inevitable doom that approaches.

For me something that helped a great deal with these thoughts was CBT.

But not general CBT, a specific variation which can be characterized with the phrase:

What's the worst that could happen?

The way to tackle these catastrophic scenarios is to let them run to their natural conclusions in your mind, and take a rational approach to what you would do if that eventuated.

So think about what could happen: I'm going to lose my job. Break it down a bit. Depending on why you think you might lose it, would your employer have to give you three warnings, and an opportunity to improve first? If not, what would you actually do then? Could you find another job straight away? If not (let it go really to the worst case!) could you stay with family for a month or two until you did find work? Would you recover eventually?

This kind of breakdown is really helpful. Once you know what you would do in the absolute worst case scenario, you'll generally find it's not so bad. You could deal with it and get back on your feet.

Having this knowledge is really powerful. It takes some of the emotional power out of the thoughts, and lets you deal with the reality of the situation away from the intensity of feeling that catastrophizing brings.

Fortunately I've been free of depression for over 2 years now, and touch wood will manage to stay free of depression and catastrophizing thoughts for years to come. If it does rear it's head again this is one tool I've found invaluable to help cope with it.