The Worthlessness of Self Worth

Writing, being out at a bar with cool people, being seen to be popular, being good at my job, having a cool car, travelling, having the latest iPhone and a slick laptop, living by the beach, going out with a beautiful girl, knowing things, being fit, being well dressed... All these are things I've idolised, and aspired to, and based my self-worth on.

But they're not the same things I would have based my self worth on when I was 9 years old, or 14 years old.

They're also not the same things other people value. There are spiritual aspirations, career aspirations, political aspirations, social aspirations, scientific aspirations, sporting aspirations. So many things for people to pin their success or failure to.

Objectively it should be enough just to be a person, equal in all ways to all other people regardless of education, financial standing, religion, sex, race, beliefs or any other qualitative difference... But I don't really feel that.

If I'm honest what I really feel is a little less than worthy. A little less than I could be. I feel brittle. I don't stand with a depth of confidence that would take very many blows. I feel weak.

More than that, to get to this point has taken a couple of good years of recovery, support and hard work. Getting to where I should like to be in my well being will take more time again.

So if I've based my whole sense of self-worth, my confidence, on such ephemeral and flighty things. These things that many other people wouldn't value, or would value less than I do. Why?

A recession or depression could hit tomorrow which would wipe out many of the things that I have on my list. Would it wipe me out too?

The whole concept seems flawed.

The Buddhists say:

The origin of suffering is attachment to transient things

          http://www.thebigview.com/buddhism/fourtruths.html#truth2

Personally I don't think I'm ready to head down the path of detachment, but it does raise a good point. Holding up transient things, and basing your self worth on them is a risky way to live.

So how to have self worth that builds and cannot be easily destroyed?

I know that it is possible to change a belief. But it takes time, and a lot of very compelling evidence. I think that belief is very bound up in self worth, because it's what you believe to be worthy that you measure yourself against.

Changing what you believe to be worthy would be difficult, and moreover it's more likely to happen unconsciously than as part of a deliberate effort. So the beliefs you have will possibly be useful to you, possibly harmful. The randomness of it all, and the suffering that ensues seem to be embedded in our culture and life experience.

Perception is also an interesting aspect of it all. How you perceive yourself, how you perceive others guides and influences your belief about your own worth.

Sometimes late at night I'll go stargazing, try to take a zoom out from my own problems, and see myself as a tiny part of the tiny part that we inhabit of this vast universe. It helps, a little, to see the futility and insignificance in the grander scheme of things of that illusive feeling we all strive for - self worth.